Funny Quotes.

Collection of famous humorous and funny quotes.

A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor. - Helen Rowland

Don't give a woman advice. One should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening. - Oscar Wilde

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. - Groucho Marx

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So for today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry

The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised. - Freva Stark

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

My parents only had one argument in forty five years. It lasted forty three years. - Cathy Ladman

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. - Henry Louis Mencken

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - Stephen Wright

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter

The trouble with wedlock is that there's not enough wed and too much lock. - Christopher Morley

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. - Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take an aspirin" and "Keep away from children". - Source Unknown

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. - GQ

When a child asks difficult questions, invention is the necessity of Mother. - Capper's Weekly

I've bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. - Patrick Murray

Procrastination is like a credit card; it's a lot of fun until you get the bill. - Christopher Parker

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

You want to make him interested in you? Then pretend to be embarrassed in his presence. - Friedrich Nietzshce

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!"I'm thinking, "I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" - Larry Miller

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. - Source Unknown

I'd Give up Chocolate by Karen Tribett

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Kathleen Norris

Not only is woman's work never done, the definition keeps changing. - Bill Copeland

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories. - John Wilmot

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance. - Phyllis Diller

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back. - Source Unknown

Please provide the date of your death. - from an IRS letter

I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat. - Jennifer Greene Duncan

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. - Kathleen Mifsud

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. - Source Unknown

If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm. - Hut Landon

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. - Ashleigh Brilliant

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging - Will Rogers

Children are natural mimics; they act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners. - Source Unknown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. - Bobby Slayton

Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese. - Billie Burke

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. - Author Unknown

Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: "I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go." - Source Unknown

Too many people confine their exercise to jumping to conclusions, running off at the mouth, stretching the truth, bending over backwards, lying down on the job, side stepping responsibility, swimming against the current and pushing their luck. - Source Unknown

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Avoid fruits and nuts: after all, you are what you eat - Garfield

This is it. I've reached the pinnacle of laziness and gluttony. How depressing. There's no place to go after you've reached the top. - Garfield

You know what is a "diet" is, don't you? It's "die" with a "t," that's what it is! - Garfield

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge. - Bill Cosby

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. - Author Unknown

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. - Harry Kalas

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.- Eva Gabor

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. - Fran Lebowitz

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. - Jerry Seinfeld

I've developed a new philosophy - I only dread one day at a time - Charlie Brown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. - P.D. East

You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going. - Source Unknown

It's not about what you did yesterday - it's what you do tomorrow. If you rely too much on yesterday, tomorrow is going to jump and bite you in the pants. - John Vanbiesbrouck

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. - Henny Youngman

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. - Lord Conesford

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. - Author Unknown

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