About Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a positive trait that is common among people who have a considerable amount of self esteem and self confidence. Firmness, decisiveness and tactfulness are accompanying characteristics.

This attribute makes it easy for them to ask, refuse someone, and just say "No" to unimportant and non urgent matters without having to give excuses. They aren't pushy, forceful or aggressive but some people view their straight forwardness and clear cut attitude as conceit.

Most assertive people developed this attribute early in life. When they grew up, they might have been a little aggressive and daring and had a high self esteem. They usually were bold and unafraid to ask for what they wanted and to disagree with other people's opinion.

Some of them cultivated this attitude ever since they learned to make decisions for themselves during their adolescence. Their upbringings also contributed to it.

Adults who are timid, afraid to voice out their opinions, procrastinate and who don't know how to say "No", most likely had low self esteem, were bullied or abused when they were kids.

Can a person change from being fearful to becoming self assured?

The answer is Yes. It's always possible to change anything that is within a person's control.

How to be Assertive

Improve your self esteem.

You have to start liking, have respect for yourself and feel that you are worthy. The criticisms or rejections that you received from your parents, teachers and those bullies when you were a kid should now be released and dumped. It was then and this is now.

Change the way you think, see and feel about yourself. Of course your faithful inner voice will tell you to get real. Take over and tell it to "shut up" and replace those critics with positive affirmations.

Here are a few positive affirmations that you can use.

I choose to forgive everyone.
I choose to make it easy for me to be self confident.
I choose to let go of burden from the past and to be courageous.
I choose to feel capable of expressing myself and know that other people see me that way too.
I choose to take pride in myself.
I choose to feel worthy.
I choose to have high self esteem
I choose to love myself.

Now that you've got the idea, come up with your own.

Add creative visualization to your affirmations. Each day spend a few minutes imagining yourself as a confident and assertive person. See it in your mind how you interact with people and how they respond to you. Imagine whatever you want to because you have control over your thoughts. Put in the details and the emotions. Make your mental images real.

Try to pause in between your routine to check on how you are feeling at the particular moment. If you do this often enough, you'll get hold of your thoughts and self talk. Question it. Ask that inner you what it is trying to achieve? This conversation that you have with yourself is one way to self discovery.

Here's a shortcut. Try the MindMaster, a word and images self help tool. Download it to your computer and let the subliminal images and affirmations help you replace your limiting beliefs and reprogram your thinking. Get the free trial to see how it works on you.

Model assertive individuals.

One of the easiest ways to learn to develop assertiveness is to model a person who already has the skill and able to produce the same results repeatedly. What you need to do is to observe the person speaking, how he uses his body language and the tone of his voice to exert himself and express his thoughts and emotions and get himself heard. Watch his posture and his physiology.

You can become like that person. It is just that you have not learned and practiced yet. Other than observing, ask him how and what he thinks inside his head.

Practice doing in your mind and then express it outwardly in your interaction and you will eventually get it right. You will know that it is working when you get positive feedback.

Learn to listen.

In order to express your opinions and feelings without feeling guilty and hurting others, you need to learn to listen to what people are saying. Listening here means giving your full attention to what he has to say without making prior judgments and the need to interrupt and reply.

If you aren't sure of what you're hearing restate and reframe his statements so that you will understand his message and not use your mind reading and assumptions. When you listen, you show respect to him and you will gain respect in return.

When there is mutual respect, you create a bond and you can communicate and express openly and honestly without violating his values and yours. It enables you to ask for what you want and object to something that does not benefit or interest you, with ease and comfort.

Exercise self control.

You need not worry about being labeled dominant or controlling if you are non aggressive, pushy or forceful. An assertive style in communication demonstrates your tolerance to listen, to negotiate, to respect others and yet able to put forth your opinions.

Aggressiveness brings about hostility because you will demonstrate a controlling attitude by not allowing others to speak, giving pressure to others to accept your ideas and attacking other people with abusive language and behaviors.

Having the ability to exercise self control improves your ability to become more assertive because you are able to accept criticism and harsh judgments without affecting your self esteem. It will enable you to control your anger, to speak when necessary and to stand up for yourself without being, rude, harsh and brash.