by Sadie
(USA)
I currently am 12 and am in a generation of stupidity. Almost everyone wears the same thing and acts ignorant, selfish, and rude. I feel so underestimated. I always hear "You are only 12, just 12. You are not 20. Not in high school."
It’s like that’s all that matters; your age. Not your opinion. Not your ideas and ways of looking at things. I look at myself as an understanding person, and I think people should talk at each other civilly.
Not yelling.
From someone you thought you could trust. Constantly using the same excuse. "Things have been so hard, and we don't have any money. With the baby and work, being a single mom you know."
No mom, I don't know why you yell at me. Blame me for things I had no part in. Like one little mistake and you snapped. It broke me. You left me to watch the baby, alone. You don't think this affected me?
'Hey mom, Wanna watch a movie tonight?"
"Sure :)"
Mom went out with friends instead. So I babysat, like always. I pushed her away. I didn't like the way she snapped at me, But I never yelled at her. Never shouted. Talked back. But instead of appreciating it she used it. She used me.
When I went to dad’s house I always felt relief. It’s different now though. I was in 6th grade. About a year later mom has moved 2 hours away, so I can waste away every other weekend visiting her and my 2 year old sister. Not like it'd be much better with the flaky friends I have at home anyway though. It’s like each time she does something, she says sorry and it’s all good. Gives me rights then takes them away if she doesn't like them.
I found myself in the way I dressed, what I listened to and it helped me pull through times which I don’t want to mention. Times in which I knew it wouldn't get better. Each time I went shopping (alone, after asking my "friends") I thought of jumping in front of a bus. This was when my mom and dad were at each others throats.
They’re divorced, and have been as long as I can remember, and I’m always the messenger. They have done things a pathetic 10 year old would do. Why am I in the middle once again? I don’t even want to be here.
I self harmed myself for release, not because I hated myself. But because I didn't know what to do. I’m not the person who talks about her problems openly. I just can't. They’re too private. I feel like I’m naked if I do.
I kept a journal of it; my self harming. Of course I was violated and it was read (did i mention that my mom also went into my Facebook and read a very personal email earlier and emailed my dad what I said?). I got put in therapy, and that’s where I am now.
I drank (this was in my journal). Experimenting, as most teenagers do, and they put a lock on the liquor cabinet.
But this hurt me the most. I told my mom I was a lesbian. She cried and immediately went to "How will I get grandchildren?" And on the day I addressed her of all the things she said to me that hurt me she didn’t even know what she was saying.
Wow, way to go. You earned all of my respect. She thinks it went well.
Tomorrow my therapist made an appointment with my mom, step mom, my dad and myself to "talk". I know this will make everyone mad and misinterpret most of what they hear. I am just another in the middle situation. Can't say this is the end.
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